Voldemort gets on Draco's nerves!
by Sawliet
Summary: Just a short story about how Voldemort gets on Draco's nerves during Draco's christmas holidays in his 7th year. Enjoy!
1. Chapter 1

My first fan fiction story ever. It's meant to be funny, so hopefully you don't think its too stupid. Comments and Criticism are greatly appreciated! I do not own Harry Potter so don't sue me!

Draco was on his way home on the Hogwarts Express for his Christmas holidays. He was not looking forward to it at all. The Dark Lord was still staying at the Manor. He had been staying with Draco's family ever since the summer and Draco couldn't stand it. Having the Dark Lord living under the same roof as you was quite frightening. Draco didn't care what his little Death Eater friends said, it was horrible having him there! The guy ( if you could even consider him that) was such an ass! Draco knew his mother, Narcissa, felt the same way. Neither of his parents didn't particularly like having him there. The only person who seemed overly enjoyed by it was his Aunt Bellatrix, who practically kisses the Dark Lord's ass. Draco had tried to stay at Hogwarts for the holidays, but his mother wouldn't hear of it. So here he was on his way home, not wanting to get off the train.

The train pulled into platform 9 ¾ and Draco reluctantly got off the train. He was instantly greeted by his parents and his Aunt Bellatrix. " Honey its so good to see you again!" his mother exclaimed, pulling him into a rib- splitting hug. " Hello Son" his father said patting Draco on the shoulder. " Have you been practicing your oculmency like I've told you" asked Bellatrix in her cold, smugess voice. "Yeah" said Draco. He looked at his Aunt. _God she's strange looking with those heavily lidded eyes of hers and what in God's name did she do to her hair! _Truth was, Draco couldn't stand his Aunt. She was a complete psycho! Azkaban had definitely changed her. Bellatrix had always been kind of a bitch, but ever since she escaped from Azkaban she was even more bitchy, maddening really. " So is the Dark Lord still staying at the Manor?" Draco asked. " Of course he is!" Bellatrix exclaimed, " Why wouldn't he be?" _Great, she's already getting on my nerves!_ " I don't know I just thought maybe he would stay somewhere else". Bellatrix smacked her lips." Silly Boy" she muttered under her breath.

They finally apparated in front of the Manor. _Here goes nothing_, Draco thought to himself. Lucius opened the door and they stepped through the threshold. " Home Sweet- " began Lucius but was immediately interrupted. "DRACO!!" the Dark Lord was standing right by the door way. "It's good to see you old boy, how have things been at school!" " Uh pretty good I guess", said Draco nervously. _Why in the world is he acting like this, is he fucking high or something? _

" That's great!", the Dark Lord said. " Well I have some Death Eater stuff to attend to, so I'll see you at dinner D- sizzle." He did some ghetto gangster sign then walked down the hall to the library. _Oh my God, what the hell was that all about. _Draco ordered a house- elf to take his stuff up to his chambers for him and followed the elf and his stuff up to his room. It was going to be a long week.

The past couple of days weren't as bad as Draco thought they would. Voldemort was surprisingly friendly towards him for some odd, unknown reason. This frightened Draco a little. _Maybe he's being so friendly because he wants a huge favor from me. What the hell does he want now? He already wanted me to murder Dumbledore last year and I didn't even murder him. _But that's not how the Dark Lord works. If he wants a favor he straight out asks you. No, No, he justs orders you to do it. Draco was wondering all this one day when he was looking for his ipod. He searched the Manor high and low for it, had ordered the house- elfs to look for it, and asked his parents if they had seen it. Nobody seemed to know where it had disappeard to. Draco had given up looking for it. He was walking past the Library when he heard singing coming from the other side. He peeped through the crack between the door and couldn't believe what he was seeing. The Dark Lord, the one everyone feared( except stupid Potter) was listening to Draco's ipod, trying to rap to an Eminem song. _WHAT THE HELL! Has he lost his fucking mind! _

Outraged, Draco ran to his mother. " Mum, the Dark Lord is listening to my ipod and I think he's been listening to it for awhile because I couldn't find it the other day when I was looking for it either." His mother looked up from the Daily Prophet she was reading. There was a picture of the mud blood Granger in it. " Well honey I'm sorry but what do you want me to do about it, he's the Dark Lord."

" Tell him that if he wants to listen to it he needs to ask me first before taking it without my permission" Draco could feel himself going red in the face. " Now dear you know I can't just go in there and tell him that, he'll get so mad." Narcissa said. " Well then get Aunt Bellatrix to, he'll listen to her and she's not so scared of him!" "Draco that's enough, and besides I doubt if your Aunt would waste her time with something like that, you know how self- centered she is." Draco smacked his lips at his mother and rolled his eyes ."Fine" he muttered, "wait until father hears about this." He stormed out of the room.

Voldemort continued to get on Draco's nerves. That night after the whole ipod thing, Draco was on his way to the TV room to watch his favorite TV show, Lost, only to find Voldemort already in there. He was laughing his head off and saying " oh the Miranda!"

_Oh are you kidding me! _Again, Draco ran to his mother. "Mother honestly the Dark Lord is starting to get on my nerves! Now he's hogging the only TV in this house and I'll miss Lost! What the hell is he watching!" Narcissa gave Draco a stern look. "Draco watch your language, and he's watching Sex and the City. It's his favorite TV show." "WHAT! You gotta be freakin' kidding me. Sex and the City is so stupid. It's just about these hookers!"

"Draco!" his mother exclaimed. " Well I'm sorry mum but it is." Later that night when Draco was on his laptop on his myspace, someone knocked on his door. "who is it ?"

" It's your home dawg skillet biscuit, Voldy." _My What?! _Draco rolled his eyes. "Come in" he said trying to sound enthused. "Voldy" stepped into the room. He walked over and sat on Draco's bed. "So D-sizzle how's everything going with you? Got any ladies chasing after you?" He was talking in a really preppy, girly voice. Draco opened his mouth to answer but Voldemort cut him off. "Yes I remember when I was your age. I use to be quite handsome you know, before I wanted to look like a snake. The ladies were always chasing after me. But of course since I never understood love I never chased after them." Draco wondered if he knew how ridiculous he sounded right now. _Why the hell is he telling me this, like I care._ " Oh cool" he said, not taking his eyes off his laptop. He couldn't stand looking at him. "Yes which brings me to my point: I know that as a young man your experiencing sexual urges toward women and you might be confused about them. So I'm letting you know that if you have any questions about sex, I'm so here for you!" _What the hell! Where did that come from?_ Draco had to literally grip the sides of his chair to stop himself from falling off it. He looked at Voldemort in the face now. Shock and embarassment must have overcome his fear of looking at the Dark Lord. "Uh okay thanks" he said awkwardly. " Sure thing D. I'm totally here for you." Voldemort continued in that preppy, girly voice. He got up and left the room. _How the hell could he help me if he's never chased after girls, which means he's probably never had sex. What a fucking idiot. _

The next morning Draco, his parents, and Bellatrix were eating breakfast in the kitchen when Voldemort came in. " So how's my favorite Deatheater family doing today?" he said in a cheery voice. "Just fine, thanks" both his parents said. " Oh my Lord I am doing absolutely wonderful, especially since you're here." his Aunt said. _God what a fucking suck up. I should get her some knee pads so she's more comfortable when she's kissing his ass._ "Why thank you Bella!" Voldemort said in a high, squeaky voice. " So D I heard that you missed Lost last night." _Yeah thanks to you._ "Yes I did" Draco said, not looking up from his porridge. " Oh no offense, but that show's lame. I tried to get into it, but that blonde southern guy got on my nerves with his sarcasm and nicknames he kept giving everybody. What an Ass! If I were on that island I would so Avada Kedrava his ass!" Draco was offended: Sawyer was his favorite character on Lost. Bellatrix asked " My Lord what shows do you watch?"

" Oh a number of them! I just love Sex and the City. Oh and I like Desperate Housewives, Grey's Anatomy, the Office, Scrubs, ER, Prison break, Heroes, Ghost Whisperer, Medium, Bones, and House. I also enjoy the Golden Girls on Lifetime. Draco almost laughed, but stopped himself by biting down on his lip. " Oh wow you do watch quite a lot of shows." said Bellatrix. " I only watch soup operas during the day, that's it."

" Soup operas are so lame and boring Bella. How could you watch those?" Voldemort asked. Bellatrix was getting ready to answer when Voldemort jumped up suddenly from his chair. " Oh my god! I have to talk to Snape about something. Brb!" He apparated out of the room. " So does anyone know what brb means? Asked Lucius. They all shook their heads no.

Later in the Afternoon, Draco was on his way to the TV room again to watch one of the Lord of the Rings movies, the Two Towers, when he saw Voldemort already in there. This time Draco went in the room. He had somehow gained some of his courage back ever since the Dark Lord starting acting like a preppy girl. Voldemort was watching Bringing down the House, one of Draco's favorite movies. Voldemort spotted Draco and cried out " Oh Draco how's it going?! Did you come to watch Bringing down the House with me? It's so funny. I just love Queen Latifah, she's so funny!"

" Well actually- began Draco but Voldemort cut him off " Oh my god sit down this is going to be so much fun! We should do this more often. Maybe later we can pop some popcorn and watch another movie. No wait! I have a way better idea we should have a sleepover! Draco mouth was hanging open in disbelief. He closed it immediately. Voldemort didn't notice though and kept on talking. " We could invite all the Death Eaters, and all your little school friends, and your girlfriend I heard you had, Pansy Parkinson, and we could stay up all night gossiping about celebrities, and play games, eat a whole bunch a snacks, and watch movies! This is going to be some much fun! I'm gonna have a meeting right now about it." He pressed his Dark Mark on his arm and summoned his Death Eaters. "I'll make it a mandatory sleepover that way everybody has to come!, he said. He got up and ran out of the room leaving Draco in shock and disbelief. _Is he actually gonna have a sleepover? What is he, a 12 year old girl? Why the fuck is he acting like this anyway? I wonder what came over him. _Draco left to go tell his parents and Bellatrix about the sleepover that Voldemort, the greatest Dark Wizard for his time, was currently planning.

That night, Draco was looking for his laptop to get on his myspace to warn his friends about Voldemort's mandatory sleepover. _Where the hell did I put it?_ Suddenly a thought came to Draco:_ I bet Voldemort took it just like he took my ipod that I never got back!_ Sure enough, he found Voldemort in the Library with his laptop in front of him. " Oh hey D what's up? Did you come to find out more about the sleepover. It' gonna be tomorrow evening around 5:00. I told everybody to bring a sleeping bag, a pillow, a snack, and any comedy or horror movie that they want." " Well actually I came looking for my laptop to invite my friends over myspace to the sleepover."

" Well my dear boy, can't you just like, I don't know, send an owl to them inviting them? I'm working on my myspace page right now. Oh and I sent you a friend request also. All the Death Eaters have a myspace, it's the "in" thing at the moment!" _Yeah I know and I'd like to get on my myspace page on my laptop that was given to me. _To control his anger he left the room and stomped up the stairs to his room.


	2. Chapter 2

5:00 the next evening came all to quickly for Draco. The whole day the Dark Lord had been running around the Manor, cleaning this and that, fixing stuff. Lucius had told him that the house- elfs could do all that for him, but he insisted on doing it himself. Draco could tell his parents were not particularly happy about having a whole bunch of people over for a sleepover, but didn't say anything because they didn't want to anger the Dark Lord. Bellatrix, of course, was ecstatic about the whole thing. All day she had trailed Voldemort around making suggestions at what they could do at the sleepover. " We can play truth or dare, spin the bottle, 7 minutes in heaven…." _Yeah you'd like to play 7 minutes in heaven in with the Dark Lord wouldn't you?_ Finally when Draco was ready to Avada Kedavra himself, people started to apparate in front of their house. He spotted his two best friends, Crabbe and Goyle, and ran up to greet them. "So what do you guys think of this sleepover?" he asked them. " Is there gonna be food?" Crabbe asked. "Yeah the Dark Lord sent my parents to Honeydukes earlier to buy a bunch of snacks." replied Draco. "Alright! Sweet!" they both exclaimed. _Pigs! All they care about is food._ Draco looked around to see who else had arrived. He spotted Snape, who looked like he'd rather be dead than here. He also saw Yaxley, Dolohov, Rookwood, Rosier, the Carrows, Thicknesse, Stan Shunpike, and Fenrir Greyback. Then he saw his girlfriend, Pansy Parkinson. She saw him and ran up and hugged him like his mother had at King's Cross. " Oh sweetie I've missed you so much!" She started making out with him right on the spot. "Pansy stop, everyone's looking at us!" he said. "Oh alright!", she said in grumpy voice.

Everybody went inside and Voldemort told them to set up their sleeping bags in the TV room so they could watch movies later. "Alright everybody now that were all settled in, I thought we would kick off the night with a game of truth or dare!, Voldemort said in his preppy voice. _Oh my god. Here he goes. _" Okay so I'll go first. Truth or dare, um, Severus!?" "My Lord, no offense, but I don't feel like playing." Snape said coldly. "Alright Dare!" Voldemort said. " I dare you to take off all your clothes except your underwear, go outside to the front of the manor, and run around screaming "I'm a maniac" at the top of your lungs." Everybody in the room laughed except Snape. "My Lord I really don't see the point in doing that." Snape said. " Do it! Do it! Voldemort began chanting. Soon everyone else in the room had begun chanting to. Reluctantly, Snape went out to the front yard, took off his clothes, and started running around. " Oh my god, these pics are so going on my myspace!, said Voldmort, pulling out a camera and snapping pics. "Scream "I'm a maniac!" Voldemort said. "I'm a maniac, I'm a maniac" Snape screamed. " Okay you can stop now" Voldemort said. " I'm bored with this game lets play something else. Oh I got it! We can play Sardines! That would be so fun, especially with this big Manor. There's tons of hiding places! I'll count first and the last person I find I get to torture for 1 minute. Oh my God! I'm sooooooo ecstatic!"

Draco looked over at Crabbe, Goyle, and Pansy. He could tell by their expressions on their faces that they didn't want to play either. _This is so lame! _he thought as he went to go hide in his bedroom. He knew that Voldemort would look for him in here first, so that way he wouldn't have to be the one to be tortured. Sure enough Voldemort burst in his room and found him in his closet. "I found D!" he said at the top of his lungs. "D, you hiding spot was like so obvious if you ask me." _Which is why I didn't ask you!_

The last person Voldemort found was Bellatrix. She had hid in Narcissa and Lucius's room, which they had locked earlier so know one would go in there. She was overly enthused when they found her: " Yes! I was hoping I would be the one to be found last! Okay Master, torture me!" _What a freak. _After Voldemort tortured Bellatrix for one minute, he had another idea: lets do celebrity gossip! I had Bellatrix buy these muggle magazines earlier so we could look through them!" He held out a magazine called People, one called the Star, the other the National Enquirer. They went back to the TV room and sat on their sleeping bags. Voldemort did a charm on the three magazines so that everybody had one of each for themselves. "OH MY GOD! I can't believe Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie are expecting twins! How exciting!, said Voldemort. " My Lord, what do you think of Britney Spears?" asked Alecto Carrow. " Oh I just love her! I downloaded some of her songs onto Draco's ipod. I love that one song of hers, Toxic. That song like so describes me!" _So that 's what he's been doing with my ipod! Like I want a bunch of Britney Spears songs on my ipod. I can't stand Britney Spears! Her songs are lame!_

After flipping through magazines for a half an hour, Voldemort asked if everybody there had a myspace. " I don't my Lord" said Yaxley. Voldemort smacked his lips. " Yaxley you are such a dork!" He raised his wand and said " Accio laptop". "Don't worry Yaxley were gonna make you one." He opened Draco's laptop and went to . "My Lord I really don't feel the need to have a myspace." "Yaxley your getting one! All the Death Eaters have one except you! Now shut up!" He set up an account for Yaxley. " I am totally gonna pimp your profile page! It's gonna look so gangsta!" Draco could tell that Yaxley was not thrilled about this.

An hour or so later, Voldemort decided that it was time to play spin the bottle. They all gathered around in one big circle and put an old butterbeer bottle in the middle. _This is gonna suck. I really hope I don't have to kiss him._ "Okay everybody I'll go first!", said Voldemort. He spun the bottle and of course it pointed to Draco. _That figures. Why me, Why?! _"Oh it looks like I have to kiss my homie D!" Crabbe and Goyle started to laugh but Draco shot them a look and they shut up right away. Voldemort walked over to where Draco was sitting and kissed him on the cheek. _Ugh! His breath smells! _Draco spun the bottle next and Thankfully, it landed on Pansy.

When they were done playing that game. Voldemort wanted to listen to music and dance. He made them do the cha cha slide, the electric slide, the chicken dance, and the hokey pokey. " Is this lame or what?" Draco asked Pansy, Crabbe, and Goyle. " Yeah it is. I had no idea the Dark Lord was like this." Pansy said. " Yeah well welcome to my world." Draco said in a tired voice. " I'm ready to go to bed!"

It wasn't until three in the morning that Voldemort finally told everybody that it was lights out. _Finally! _Draco crawled under his sleeping bag and said goodnight to Pansy, Crabbe, and Goyle. He was almost asleep when Voldemort came over and moved his sleeping bag right next to Draco's. "Hey D! I thought we could stay up and talk for awhile!" _Oh god go to bed! Again, Why Me? Maybe if I pretend like I'm asleep, he'll leave me alone. _" D, are you awake? Oh well if your asleep I'll leave you alone." _Thank_ _you God._

So what do you think? I wasn't sure how to end this chapter. Sorry for the hold up on this part to. I haven't had to get on my computer lately. Please Review!


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